Just this, these moments, nothing lasts, no
going back and no way forward. Again and again and again, hit repeat...
I collapsed onto the concrete pavement and
grazed my left knee as my head made contact with the ground. The air in my
lungs lunged out and I closed my eyes momentarily. I moved my left leg slightly
to angle the grazes away from the ground and pulled my trousers leg from the
small droplets of blood that I could feel there…
I reached up to my face and brushed small
black sticky stones of tar away from my cheek leaving a small imprint of “join
the dots” which would make no sensible shape and only provided an outline of the
insignificant life that I have led…
Another deep breath, another moment and my
hand reached slightly higher where I knew semi-congealed blood awaited on my
sweaty forehead – I brushed it gently, moving my fingers over the newly formed
bruise causing a trickle of thin blood mixed with sweat to meandered down the
top bridge of my nose and into my eye.
I blinked hesitantly causing the grit caught
in that small droplet to irate my eye and I sighed. I wondered for a moment
what it all meant and knew that I did not have the answer - was there any point
in getting up?
Should I clean my eye out? Could I make the effort? Probably not
as I would only end up here again. Or maybe that should be “down here again” ?
Even when you’re down, never give up as
there is always further to go and I reached forward with my left-hand and using
my index finger started to scratch my story out. My thoughts swirled and the
words flowed as my finger scratched frantically into the ground with the blood dripping
out and acting as the ink to convey my message to the world.
This is it; this is my opus; my heart and my
soul and as I reached the end of a sentence, I grimaced and screamed with pain
as the hard relentless ground hit against the nerve endings and bone in my
index finger. I quickly bit hard on the knuckle of my finger to act as the new
focal point of my pain whilst the blurry remains of my broken fingernail dried
in the hot sun. I tasted blood and the taste reminded me of my endeavour; never
give up. This is nothing compared to what I have to tell the world and I have
nine more pens at my disposal.
I continued working on my masterpiece as the
world revolved around me; its sounds; smells; its distractions no longer
touched me. This was my mission and as I used up each one of my pens my story
sprawled in-front of me.
At times I was aware of people around me who
stopped and looked down at me. I smiled thinking how honored they must feel
watching me write my story and as they read it how it touched them deeply, I
could sense them trying to engage with me but their voices were muffled and
distant. I imagined the accolades and the congratulations that they were trying
to convey to me, but now I was beyond that.
At some time before dusk, I remember being
lifted off the ground by the ambulance men who carried me bloodied, sweaty,
dehydrated and soiled into the cool dark inside of the ambulance. I managed to
twist my head and see my work laid out there for all to see.
I knew my work would be talked about for the
generations to come and I smiled for the first time in a long time and then a slightly
wider smile with my teeth showing and I only twitched slightly as my cracked
lips split and I tasted blood again.
I sat in the warm glow and shivering
slightly I started to hum using the music to comfort me, to console me, to
accompany me when I was down and not hand out judgement. Be my friend, my
companion, even my enemy.
Better that than the silence that could come
at any time and like the song says “if the silence ever takes you, then I hope
it takes me too…” and until then it’s just this, these moments, nothing lasts,
no going back and no way forward.
Again and again and again, hit repeat...
The
end
02/05/2013 (05/05) - Heavily edited after presenting it)
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